For those of you who have subscribed to my substack since the beginning, I apologize for being MIA for a couple of weeks. I have been using my free time to write this 10-page (no joke) literature review on this movie. I am grateful for your support and I hope you find this article (NOT digest) informative.
Turning Red is a coming-of-age story about female coming-of-age: a very taboo, awkward, and controversial topic to many people. The storyline contains so many cringeworthy moments, and so many teenage “ethical dilemmas”. I think the awkwardness is forcing our first world society to talk about some important transitions in a girl’s life. I want to spend some time, (okay, I spent about two weeks worth of free time on this full blown literature review), talking about why I think this uncomfortable, awkward, controversial movie is an important movie that can be used as a tool for discussion with your kids and teens.
Coming of Age
This “coming of age” movie is all about that moment you think you are officially in this distinguished “adult” club, only to realize you are still so far from it. (I am 20 years past that time of life, and I am still waiting for my invitation into this club.) This balance of letting go of childhood and shifting into adulthood will make anyone who remembers that time wince about some of their most embarrassing moments.
So, what does that mean? Is this movie appropriate for kids?
My opinion is “It’s here. It’s out there and kids are watching it. So, why not think of it as an opportunity or tool to discuss these topics?” I have added some discussion questions at the end of each section.
Why watch and discuss with your kids? Well, the research about the impact of media tells us that kids who are engaged in a conversation about situations in movies and video games are much less likely to repeat that behavior. In a study done on teenage girls who watched 16 and Pregnant and had regular talks about sex with their fathers, exhibited lower risk of early sexual behavior and intercourse (Wright, 2013). In this very extensive research handbook Parent and School Interventions: Mediation and Media Literacy, the message is the same: the best indicators of preventing your children from internalizing harmful messages was watching the media together and having conversations. Parents create the narrative, or in other words, help children connect the dots and interpret the media they consume (Chakroff, 2008). I recommend all parents read this book, it is highly informative and contains comprehensive research on children and media use.
Not only that, but your strategy for media use as a parent can negatively or positively affect healthy media use. Kids whose parents focus on using media to have open conversations and to foster a child’s critical thinking skills through ongoing conversation about what they consume were more likely to seek out media that was informative, like news, and less violent or recreational media (Alexander, 2009).
Furthermore, intentional media usage has been a great predictor of more or less conflict in families. For example, children who perceive their parents as consistently on their phone or computer are more likely to engage in conflict with their parents; not only that, but families where media is used as a way to keep the peace were more likely to have negative familial outcomes, while families where media is consumed together and discussed were more likely to have better problem solving and communication skills (Alexander, 2009).
Lastly, kids and teens brains are remarkably low on white matter compared to gray matter. White matter is the connection between different parts of the brain. Because of this imbalance, teens can recall information they gathered in class (gray matter) but have no idea how to apply what they learned to the real world, yet (white matter); nor be well equipped to make connections using the information they’ve gathered. White matter develops over time and with experience and often through discussion with a trusted, healthy adult. I think what this tells me is that when you ask your kids questions about what they observe or experience, you are assisting them in making those connections (Jensen, 2015). As a parent, I really value the opportunity to have a discussion and help my kids make connections, even if it means watching a very awkward Disney movie with them.
For ease of reading, I am not going to give you a whole synopsis of the movie, but instead point to specific situations in the movie. If you haven’t watched it, go and read about it on Common Sense Media (which is something I encourage all parents to do, and extra points if you go and read with your kids about movies before watching them) and learn about the words that are used, different scenarios the teens get into, and what other parents and kids think about it.
So, instead, I will jump right into what I think is great about this movie, and then I will add a small number of concerns:
Illustrations of physical, social, and family systems
This movie is also a good example of what is called The Symptomatic Cycle by Joseph Micucci. In this cycle, an adolescent shows behaviors that a parent is uncomfortable with, the teen is then seen as “the problem” and the parents hyperfocus on getting rid of the behavior, the teen then feels misunderstood and isolated and the relationship between the parent and child is neglected. This then intensifies the behavior, and the cycle perpetuates (Micucci, 2009). The example of this is why I think all parents should watch it. It exemplifies a pattern of behavior that I see with many of my clients. Being a teen is hard, being a parent of a teen is hard. This movie shows a common problem that is presented to me in therapy, and I think this movie illustrates a lot of the patterns that I try to point out to the parents involved to induce more self-awareness.
I also think this is an important movie because it illustrates the shift that girls feel in their brains when they hit early adolescence. A young girl’s brain goes through a developmental phase called latency during the ages of 6-11. This stage manifests in relatively calm behavior (given that there are no extenuating circumstances or disorders), but then her limbic system becomes HIGHLY active around age 12 (Damour, 2016). Your limbic system is what regulates fight or flight, where romantic desires live, and where long term memory is stored (among other things). This is why teenage brains are primed for information gathering, but this shift in her brain is why they also experience a lot of emotional ups and downs. (It’s not just about hormones!) To me, this is the point of this movie: To put this full-blown brain shift on exhibition.
Mei comes from a very involved, arguably authoritarian home. Authoritarian parenting, helicopter parenting, bulldozer parenting- whatever you call it- encourages very similar teen behavior that you see in the movie (Thompson, 2003). Teens in these homes tend to become sneaky, feel the need to choose between friends and parents, and will ultimately fight hard for their autonomy. These homes see a lot of either highly argumentative and defiant children, or highly submissive and overly dependent children (Kopko, 2007). This is another great reason why I think parents should watch the movie for their own learning. Learn a bit on what not to do! It’s necessary to have boundaries (as you very well should, kids thrive better with them) without the kind of intensive parenting that Ming uses.
Mei
Mei showed several of what I think to be very mature and well-balanced perspectives. For one, she essentially states at the beginning that she believes that it’s important to honor her parents and doesn’t think that by doing so she is dishonoring herself. This is a balance we all have to learn. Another is after a series of descriptions about her from adults and other teens, to which she says, “I accept and embrace all labels.” What I love about it is how she isn’t letting the opinions of others change her determination to make grade eight her “year” or define her. She is not allowing the external validation of her peers determine her experience, but she isn’t completely ignoring how she is seen in her peer group, either. She is choosing not to victimize herself just because others have differing opinions of her which is a mentality that many teens fall into and get stuck with.
Mei shows a lot of loyalty to her friends, and to her family. She is fun, outgoing, and full of a zest for life. A zest for life is the best indicator for a happy, healthy individual. In a world where suicide is becoming rampant, particularly among teens, her “zest for life” is a great example for a youth culture is becoming more and more suicidal (Shahram, et al, 2021). She never degrades her parents, and often tries to respect their wishes for her. Does she push back? Yes. Does she become sneaky and dishonest with them? Yes. Hence, I think this movie is best watched with parents who can ask their kids “what do you think would be the consequences if you chose to lie about that?”
Other questions to ask about Mei:
· What do you think about Mei’s quote “I accept and embrace all labels”?
· Why do you think Mei decided to start lying to her mom and dad? What do you think she could have done, instead?
· If you were Mei, how would you solve the problem differently of not being allowed to go to the concert?
· What do you think the consequences in our family would be if you were to go to a concert that I told you not to?
The Red Panda
In the beginning Mei helps her mom give a tour of their family temple. Ming mentions that the red panda was believed to be protected by Sun Yee, their ancestor who “protected and revered the red panda” because of its “fiery coat and mischievous nature.” I believe this is an interesting analogy of how many teens shift from being emotionally and socially dependent on parents to demanding autonomy and “rebel”. Not only that, but Mei’s family reveres the panda and views it as something that needs to be protected, which blesses their family. Don’t most parents relate to this? The desire to protect our children during their teenage years, while also admiring them, and to mold them into something that contributes to our families and communities? In a way, all teens are bit like the red panda.
I believe the history of their ancestor, Sun Yee, becoming a panda to protect her children exemplifies a new way of thinking about mental illness and its tie to ancestral trauma. Developing a heightened sense of awareness to danger may have been helpful to our ancestors, a way to survive. In our current world, we do not need such active limbic systems due to the relatively safe world that we live in (Malakoff, 2017). This juxtaposition of our overactive mid-brain in a relatively safe world is what culminates in common mental illness issues with anxiety, depression, OCD, etc. Ming states, “There is a darkness to the panda, Mei Mei, you only have one chance to banish it, and you cannot fail. Otherwise, you’ll never be free.” I see many parents relating to Ming’s narrative about adolescence. This idea that the person you choose to be as a teen is who you become as an adult. That if you don’t learn self-control now, you never will. This fear then drives the parent into strengthening the hold on the teen to absolutely be sure this happens, but when the balance of power is taken over by the parent, the teen will ultimately do her best to take it back (Damour, 2016).
One line stuck out to me. When Mei is standing in front of the mirror after her transformation, she says “this will never happen again” and tries to intimidate herself into committing to that. This is one of the most commonly used phrases I hear in my practice with adolescents. So many girls want to think that they can simply commit themselves to not do something for the sake of their parents. This is a very noble commitment. However, it is also unrealistic. I don’t tell these girls that, I just encourage them to use their critical thinking skills to make the connections between their behavior and the before and after events. I remind them at progress happens over time and through ups and downs.
I do want to point out the issue of the red panda being “sold” to other kids for rides. Not just that but being sold to “the boys”. While I see from a parent point of view how this seems highly inappropriate to “glorify” in a kids’ movie, it’s an important topic that parents NEED to discuss with their kids. Additionally, the way this is portrayed in the movie won’t be obvious to kids under the age of, say, 13, unless it’s something they’ve already been exposed to. It’s obvious to YOU because you are an adult with an adult brain. I meet with girls every day who have lowered their standards and “sold” something of themselves either for attention or, more rarely, money. When I was in 8th grade, I knew a girl who brought in a box of Twinkies or Donuts every single day to feed to the “popular” kids to buy an invitation to sit with them at lunch. They, of course, obliged. If she didn’t have these items, she wasn’t usually invited. One girl caught on to this unhealthy pattern and told her she didn’t need to do that anymore and invited her to sit with her every day. This is a very mild example of how this dynamic becomes an issue with pre-teens and teens. As kids get older, teens swap sexual photos or favors for varying reasons. For younger kids, this conversation can happen on a smaller scale; and the fact that this is a fictionalized scenario with a red panda mostly just being the life of the party, (instead of something much more graphic, like sex), you can discuss the principle of the issue without bringing up a topic they might not be developmentally able to grasp.
Some questions to ask your teen about the Red Panda:
· What do you think the red panda means?
· Have you ever felt like she does when she turns into the red panda?
· Do you think that Mei has total control over her panda? Why or why not?
· What do you think are the family expectations for being in control of your own red panda?
· How have you observed the way that other kids around you use their red panda?
· What do you think of Mei charging people for rides on her red panda? How do you think that could impact or change the way people think of her or treat her?
· Some people think that Mei charging others for rides on her red panda version is not respectful to herself, like she is lowering her standards for how she expects others to treat her. What do you think about that?
· If your friend mentioned selling something of herself or himself for money or attention, what would you say to them?
Ming’s Rocky Start
Mei’s process of distancing herself from Ming starts subtly. While watching TV with her mom, a commercial for a hip-hop group, 4Town, comes on. Mei comments that “some kids at school like them.”
This would have been a good time for mom to ask Mei what she thinks of 4Town.
Instead, she makes a comment about a friend, “You mean Miriam? That girl is odd.” To someone in Mei’s developmental stage (Dr. Damour in her book Untangled describes this as a tribe-seeking stage), this can be seen as a direct attack on her chosen “tribe” and can be confusing to a teen who wants to gain approval by mom and her peer group. So, when she later starts to daydream about a teen boy who works at the mini-mart, she is embarrassed, intrigued, and “twitterpated” by the thought of innocent moments of intimacy with this boy. Even these innocent daydreams elicit strong emotions in Mei, causing her to want to hide her feelings from her mom, which then elicits concern from Ming for this strange behavior, which then leads to the cringiest moment of the movie: the mini-mart.
I think we can ALL agree that Ming’s response to this was inappropriate. It was, of course, a hyperbole- but truthfully, many teens have run ins with their parents and peer group that feels equal to this moment in Mei’s life. This was a mistake you see Ming make throughout the entire movie- she doesn’t sit down to ask Mei what she thinks about things. Instead, she makes assumptions about Mei, jumps to conclusions, and shows no interest in allowing Mei the space to critically think. Ming continues to show disinterest in hearing Mei’s thoughts on anything, so she is missing an opportunity to help Mei make those connections. Not only that, but she is missing opportunities to bond with Mei. When parents consistently bond with their child, that bond shows time and again to be a mediating factor for their teen engaging in risky behavior (Micucci, 2009). In other words, the more balanced the bond is between the parent and child, the less likely the teen will be act out inappropriately.
When Mei asks her parents if she can go to the concert, Ming responds with “this isn’t music, this is filth.” This, again, sets herself up as an enemy to something that Mei enjoys. Additionally, in Untangled, Dr. Damour flawlessly describes teen girls’ choice in music. She mentions that music producers are remarkably good at knowing what a teen girl wants to hear, and exploits that in curating the perfect group of boys to sing about it. (Seriously, did the music producers of this movie read my 12 year old diary for the main song?) Teen girls want to be like adults, but do not have the experience or wherewithal to understand it. They sing along to lyrics that they don’t fully understand because it gives them a relatively safe space to be “adult.” Mei even states that going to the concert “no matter what” is her “first step into womanhood”. They want to feel like they are part of this “club” and the lyrics to these types of songs cater exactly to that. All in all, the adult understanding of the words is a different experience than it is for the teens listening to it. Most likely, it is a harmless way to feel like they are growing up (Damour, 2016). The exception to this rule is songs where explicit sexual content is the theme (as opposed to relationship romanticism) is a high indicator of sexual promiscuity at an earlier age. (Chakroff, 2008). What Ming could have done was talk to Mei about what this boy band might represent and have ongoing conversations about what Mei likes about boys and what she would look for in a relationship, the reality of a boy talking to her like the way they do in the songs, and the reality of any boy having a curated wardrobe and makeup crew to keep them looking prestine.
“My mom won’t even look at me” is another interesting quote by Mei I want to address- I’ve watched many moms go through a transformation with their daughter’s entrance into adolescence. It is hard for them to watch, and it might remind them of their own awkward adolescence. Ultimately, her friends are more likely to see her and see the “cool” things about her change before her parents will (Damour, 2016).
Now, my professional opinion is that parents need to be parents, not friends. If a parent is joining into the chaos of teenagehood, it can be very confusing to a teen and cause a loss of trust in the parent child relationship. So, a parent needs to give wisdom, connection, feedback, and boundaries. However, a parent needs to consider how he or she can help their child achieve balance and experience and wisdom in the safe environment that their child is in at home. In many studies, the outcomes of permissive parenting (high love, low boundaries) is a correlation of poorer mental health and lower self-esteem. Permissive parenting essentially looks like that parent who wants to be their teen’s friend rather than keeping their role as a parent (Alison, 2016).
Questions to ask about Ming:
· Why do you think Ming is worried about Mei’s friend group?
· What do you think Ming is feeling about 4Town and the concert? Why?
· What do you think about the way that Ming responded to the situation at the mini-mart?
· What do you think about the way that Ming reacted to Mei going to the concert?
· What were some things you didn’t like about Ming and Mei’s relationship, what were some things you didn’t like?
· What advice would you give Ming about how to talk to Ming when things concern her?
· If you were Mei’s parent, how would you talk to Mei about the panda?
Friends or Foes?
Teen friends are remarkably good at empathizing (her friends indicated “we love you no matter what, panda or no panda”) and can be a necessary and helpful distraction for a distressed teen. However, teen friends are less than ideal problem solvers. You see this throughout the entire movie where a problem is presented and each of her friends offer a suggestion that, in some cases, is nothing short of absurdity. However, in the scene where her friends discover that Mei can transform into a panda, they are highly empathetic, kind, and enthusiastic about her new self. This is encouraging to Mei, whereas her mom’s reaction was frightening to her (as if she wasn’t already frightened by the experience!) She is more likely to feel bonded to her friends in this moment because of their empathy and unconditional positive regard for her. This is something that, as parents, we tend to forget to do. This is something I find myself coaching the parents I work with on time and again. Sit with your teen in her feelings. Allow her to feel what she feels, even if you are worried about the reaction she might have. You don’t have to let those emotions change a boundary or your mind about anything. Ultimately, this empathy is going to bond you together, and then any advice you offer will carry more weight (Carlo, 2011). As I mentioned before, Ming set herself up as an enemy to Mei’s friends when she made critical comments about them. This common mistake can make it easy for any teen to decide to keep information from a parent about their friends or about other social situations.
After her friends ask her to convince her mom to let her go to the concert, Mei tells her friends “my mom already doesn’t like you” when she is trying to kick them out of her room. This solidifies the friends vs parents dynamic. Mei’s choice to tell her friends is completely her own doing; however, it is highly common for teens to be this honest with their friends, even if it hurts their friend’s feelings, because their brain doesn’t make this connection, yet. This also solidifies to her friends that her mom is not someone they can trust and they will then feel the desire to “take sides” with the teen whenever a conflict arises. This is unfortunate because, remember, teens are poor problem solvers compared to adults and so her support system is just as naïve as she is.
At one point, Mei tells her friends that she can’t let her Panda out anymore, even when the stakes are high because of her promise to let it out at the birthday party. Miriam’s response? “That’s okay, we will figure something out.” This is a good example of a friend who truly supports her in her desire to do what she wants. In fact, since Mei says she doesn’t want to get paid for the panda and so they only have three tickets, they conclude that none of them will go if they can’t all go. These examples are of thoughtful, cooperative friendships, a strength for many female relationships.
Later, her friend Miriam suggests that she not do the ritual and instead keep the panda. Mei’s response is that she has to do it for her family “All her hopes and dreams are pinned on me.” After the party gets broken up, Ming gets upset with Mei’s friends, accusing them of “using her like this” and insisting they are the reason why Mei acted the way she did. This is an interesting scene to me, because it again illustrates that idea that it’s Mei’s new life with her friends against her old life with her parents- which is a fallacy that many teens and their parents live. Teens have lives that include friends and family, not one or the other. Ming can’t seem to grasp the idea that her daughter, Mei, is accountable for her own actions and for opting into the “tribe” goals on her own accord. Again, Mei is put in a position where she must choose between her family and friends, and her friends are being blamed for her behavior, rather than being given the opportunity to take accountability for her own actions.
· What would you have done if you were in Mei’s position at the end of the party when her mom was blaming her friends for her behavior?
· What do you think about the influence of friends vs taking responsibility for our own actions?
· How did choosing to be secretive about her part in her behavior change or impact her friendship?
· What do you think about the way that Mei’s friends helped her and her aunts pull her mom back into the circle? Would you help a friend by supporting her to work on things with her mom?
· What do you think about peer pressure or influence? Do you think that it’s still a problem today?
When boys get involved
As much as I think girls and their parents should watch this movie, I think it’s also an important movie for boys to watch with their parents. If you notice throughout, the boys can be infinitely meaner to the girls than girls are even to girls. As someone who was once a teen girl, I can attest to the accuracy of the boy behavior in this movie. In fact, boys’ social and emotional skills tend to lag up to 10 years behind their female counterparts (Micucci, 2009). The way they expose Mei and laugh directly at her on numerous occasions isn’t just because they want to get a laugh, but also because they aren’t quite as good at putting themselves in someone’s position. Their moral development is still sticking around the “does things for self-benefit”. Boys can seem to be silly or less manipulative, but their drive to follow the “man code” is strong. This movie is a great opportunity to bring up and discuss what the man code is and how it impacts the girls and women in their lives.
Tyler is the main boy character, and his birthday is a major plot point. He gets impatient with Mei when she takes a break from being the life of the party and becomes highly demanding of her. It escalates and he says some very hurtful things to her, she then escalates and attacks him. He is “rescued” by his parents and Mei is accused of being “an animal”. Tyler is an example of how many boys use anger and shame to overpower someone who isn’t doing what they want. However, if you notice, Tyler also doesn’t have many friends around him during most of the movie, unless he’s hurting or embarrassing someone. In fact, it seems like most of the kids are at his party because he invited Mei to be there and be the life of the party for him. Have a discussion with your boys about how it seems like he thinks he has to use someone like Mei to get people to think he’s “cool” and that this isn’t a reason to ever use someone.
In Dr. Damour’s book, she also describes the difference between “popular” and “powerful” and how she tries to have that discussion with many teens she works with. There are those kids who are popular because they are nice to everyone, outgoing, friendly, and generally a pleasure to be around. And then there are those kids who are “powerful” because they intimidate others and use that to get attention or for social esteem (Damour, 2016). Tyler is an example of someone who isn’t necessarily popular, but probably more powerful, and this is something of a distinction to make with your kids using his example.
I loved the wisdom of her father. He really culminated the point of the movie, about how pushing away the more difficult parts of us isn’t actually healthy or helpful. That we need to learn to “live with it”, “make room for it”. I would expand it to say that we need to learn how to know ourselves, what works for us, what works against our goals, and find a way to harness it.
· Have you ever encountered kids like Tyler? How do you feel when you’re around them?
· Why do you think Tyler likes to pull people down the way he does?
· Do you think Tyler is popular, or do you think he’s powerful?
· How do you feel around people who are popular vs. powerful?
· Now that we’ve discussed the difference between “popular” and “powerful”, what kind of person do you think you’d rather be?
· What do you think of Mei’s dad and his conversation with her before her ritual?
Things I am not sure the movie got right:
· Good friend groups are a necessity for teen girls. But ultimately, a strong, healthy relationship with parents are a higher indicator of emotional regulation than friends. The movie suggests that teen girls are more likely to feel regulated with their peers, but this is unsubstantiated (Micucci, 2009).
· The simplification of Mr. Gao, the Shaman is troubling to me. I worked as a school social worker, and many teens are aware of what a shaman is. If you aren’t familiar, a shaman in American culture is something like a spiritual leader who often uses drugs to induce an “awakening” of sorts. Often psychedelics (sometimes LSD, Acid) are used in a controlled environment and the shaman will work through different ideas and thoughts with someone as they experience the effects of the psychedelics. The ideas of shamanism are starting to become popular “on the down low” and I’ve known teens who aspired for becoming one, while others chose to see one instead of a mental health professional. This is a dangerous, highly unregulated system and I’ve known of kids who died doing this. Buddhism might have a different version of shamanism and might not include such dangerous practices, but if you feel the need, it might be worth asking your child if they know what that is or if they’ve heard of kids doing that at school. If they don’t, it might be worth giving a simple overview (stay ahead of the game to avoid their googling tendencies) that it’s a highly unsafe practice and that they should tell you right away if they’ve heard of anything like that in case one of their friends needs to be protected. If they have, ask more questions about what they know about it and have a discussion about why kids might want to seek one out and what better alternatives would be.
· Lastly, I disagree with the use of “my panda, my choice” because of the close tie to “my body, my choice” being used by pro-choice advocates in the abortion debate. While I DO think that people generally have the right to be accountable for their own bodies, I think the choice of words detracts from the overall message of the movie since so many people will immediately associate this with sexual choices. I think the overall message isn’t about sexuality, but more about the change from childhood to adulthood, overall.
To conclude this paper, I want to reiterate how I think this movie can be used as an important tool to talk about patterns and dynamics in families and friends, how these conversations work as a mediating factor between media and teens, and how the shift from childhood to adulthood is a long process that takes time and experience and appropriate use of autonomy. I must also say that you are the greatest expert on your family and children. While I have professional experience and expertise to support my theories about this movie, your expertise on your children will always be a better indicator if it can be used as an opportunity to learn important concepts.
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References
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