Today, I want to write about what is called in Systems Theory as The Symptomatic Cycle.
Simply put, Systems Theory is the idea that issues that arise in families is due to a pattern or system that occurs in the family. No ONE person is to “blame” for the situation. In Dr. Micucci’s book The Adolescent in Family Therapy he points to the fact that most family therapy will utilize this model for work with an adolescent who is seen in the family as “the problem”. (i.e. The family’s presenting problem, or reason for seeking out therapy, is centered on problem behaviors in a teen.)
Consider this: when a family labels a child as “the problem” the symptoms of the child persist. But, aren’t we more likely to reach a solution when we are able to identify who or what is causing the problem and make efforts to rectify it? Not according to The Symptomatic Cycle.
Put simply, this model identifies the problem as the pattern of behavior between the various family members involved, rather than any one person’s poor behavior.
Take for example a family with a child who has depression. This child may self-isolate, attempt to avoid circumstances that exacerbate her symptoms, and act out defensively when challenged for her lifestyle choices. These behaviors may trigger fear or overprotective behaviors in one or both parents, which behaviors will trigger the child to continue to move deeper into self-isolation, avoid, and act out defensively.
In Dr. Damour’s book, Untangled, she describes some “problem” behaviors in teen girls as “externalization”. Externalization is when a teen girl will deal with uncomfortable feelings by throwing the feelings onto her mom or dad in hopes that they will take accountability or responsibility for it. Many of the feelings a teen experiences is mature, but she has to deal with these feelings without the maturity and experience of an adult. This “throwing upon” of the uncomfortable or difficult feelings can, in turn, illicit defensive or other difficult feelings in the parent. This response causes the child to then experience more difficult feelings that she will then “externalize” to the parent, who will then act defensively. The Symptomatic Cycle perpetuates itself.
Another aspect of The Symptomatic Cycle is that with the focus being on eliminating the problem behavior in a child the maintenance of positive relationships is neglected, which also increases the likelihood of the behavior persisting.
The common stereotype of teens is that they often see themselves as misunderstood is a pretty accurate stereotype. The Symptomatic Cycle claims to explain why.
Contextual developmental mindsets to consider:
In her book The Teenage Brain, Dr Jensen mentions: “Pride and image are big for teens, and they are not able to look into themselves and be self-critical.”
11-13 year old teens are more likely to continue fight or flight behavior when they are expected to change problematic behavior.
13-15 year old teens are more likely to become argumentative when expected to change problematic behavior.
16+ year old teens are more likely to take the perspective of another person (i.e. a parent) when asked to change problematic behavior.
18+ year old teens are more likely to seek collaboration when expected to change problematic behavior.
What you can do to break the problematic cycles:
In response to the externalizing child, Dr. Damour suggests: “do nothing”. She says, “When they externalize, they want you to accept ownership of the offending feeling and will prevent you from giving it back.” She suggests taking a beat, even 24 hours, before choosing a way to react to it. Some situations resolve themselves by then. Other situations may not, but you’ll have had a good amount of time to think and plan and consider how to respond to it.
Resolve to not blame your child or their behavior as “the problem”. This label, alone, exacerbates the behavior. Instead, resolve to view problematic behavior as a symptom of a systemic pattern that can and should be disrupted.
See and continue to acknowledge all of your child’s positive characteristics and behaviors. Avoid focusing solely on one or two problem characteristics or behaviors.
Know your child’s limits, and expect only age-appropriate behavior. Many parents expect their teenager to behave like an adult when their teen does not have the cognitive development or experience to do so. This is demoralizing to their teen when they inevitably make a mistake that would seem “crazy” for an adult to make.
Understand that a variety of all emotions in your teen is a desirable situation. A teen who is exhibiting only a few emotions (even positive ones) may need outside, professional help.
That’s what I have for you for this week! I am also working on a digest on my personal/professional opinion about the movie Turning Red.
Thanks!